I love going to Goodwill. Sometimes you find really cool things that are in good condition and cheap like a nice shirt or some books. However, sometimes you find things like a men’s cheetah print onesie or the entire discography of Disney Mania and you question humanity. Or you find a vintage lunchbox that has picture of Hannah Montana on it and wonder where it’s been your entire life. (I would have been the coolest kid with that thing back in 2007, I’m telling ya!). I even went to a Goodwill THREE cities over from where I live and found spirit wear from my high school. These are just a tiny fraction of the weird things I have found from my most recent trips to Goodwill. So, I’ve compiled a list of 15 of the weirdest things I have found during my last two trips to Goodwill.
15. This Bear With Too Many Stitches
I have too many questions about this bear. Why does it have so many stitches? Why is it a fake teddy bear? Who makes fake teddy bears when teddy bears are already fake? Why is it dressed like Santa? Is this some sort of Five Nights at Freddy’s reference? I’m very confused here.
14. Framed Fake Flower
The fake flower looks exactly like the flower that Jane hung on her wall in Jane The Virgin. It has the same colors and everything. However, the real reason it is on this list is because of the fact it is a lamp that lights up in a strange place. When you turn it in on, only a little bit of light shines through and it isn’t even through the hole. Why?
13. Soccer Trophy With The Engraving Removed
Who decides to donate a trophy to Goodwill? No one is going to see it and be like “Huh, this will be a great accent piece for my living room!” I really want a story about the journey of this trophy and how it ended up at Goodwill.
12. Santa Claus Threesome
It makes sense for there to be three Santas delivering toys as it would be very efficient. But if that’s the case, why are they all together? Maybe they are done delivering toys and getting ready for some activity that Mrs. Claus doesn’t need to know about. I ship it. Get ready, because Santa x Santa x Santa is the fan-fiction you’ve all been waiting for.
11. Fresh Popcorn vs. Regular Popcorn
It’s already pretty extra to buy your own popcorn container, but to buy a separate one for your fresh popcorn and another for your regular is a whole new level of extra. And this is coming from me, the guy so extra he started a blog. At the very least, it makes for good “Me vs. You” memes.
10. Fake Progresso
It looks like this soup is an impasta! (I included this just because I wanted to make this pun.) By the way, the soup was inside of a bag of other fake food toys donated to Goodwill. I’ve always hated the thought of food toys. People are starving all over the world and people would rather use their money to buy a fake can of soup that, by the looks of it, will end up at Goodwill one day.
9. Wear Your Friends!
The saddest part of this poorly-made bracelet where you insert pictures of your friends is the thought of someone with no friends who just wears the picrues that come with it and pretend they have friends.
Stacey: Wow Patricia, I haven’t met your friends. Are they even real?
Patricia: *nervous laughing* Of course they are! They go to another school*!
*They do go to another school but that doesn’t change the fact that Patricia doesn’t know them.
8. Probably The Result Of Your Dog Dying
R.I.P. Dachshund. Is it okay if I name you Reggie? If you’re a girl it can be short for Regina. Maybe I’m reading the situation wrong and these people realized they were degrading their dog by letting the whole neighborhood know his or her’s business. It’s 2017; dogs are people too.
7. A Chainsaw On Top Of A TV
This isn’t really an item, but instead is an example of modern art. I love how someone decided they didn’t want the Goodwill chainsaw anymore and instead of putting it back on the rack that is literally RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE TVs where chainsaws would go, they just put it on top of the TV. Who knows, maybe somebody brought a chainsaw into Goodwill planning a massacre but flaked out last minute.
6. A Passport
Who would donate a passport to Goodwill? It was empty, at least. It might’ve been fake but that then begs the question: Who needs a fake passport? Then to that I have to ask: Who needs to donate a fake passport?
5. A Cup Literally Bigger Than My Head
This cup has to be like 50 ounces, minimum.I sincerely hope nobody plans to put coffee or wine inside of it because it is
basically a water cooler. I would be lying if I said I didn’t consider buying it. (I love cups, what can I say?)
4. Frozen Cup
This time around, the cup is like 5 ounces. At least it isn’t that behemoth Bubba Keg, but it’s still a Frozen cup. This is just when I thought we escaped the movie madness. I would say kudos to whoever donated it, but that would be like encouraging a drug dealer to put meth into the world.
3. A Woman Worshiping A Flower
Okay, so it’s not technically a woman worshiping a flower. I pushed a flower figurine with a praying woman figuring because they looked freaking hilarious together. I’m not wrong, am I?
2. A Guide To Prostates
Sorry pervs, literary classic The Prostate: A Guide For Men And The Women Who Love Them is about prostate cancer, not sex. I thought that until I took a deeper look at the title and realized it is saying the women love the men and don’t want them to get prostate cancer, not that the women love the men’s prostates. They could’ve had me fooled.
1. Creepy Dolls
Weirdly enough, this isn’t even half of the dolls that were on the shelf. These dolls, to be honest, freak me out. I wonder if they were donated by one person with a butt load of dolls or if this particular Goodwill happens to receive a lot of doll donations. Either way, these are hands down the weirdest things on the list.